I always somewhat considered myself a writer. Not in the "Hey, guys! Check out my newest novel!" sort of way. More in the write from the heart and see all my flaws sort of way. I tend to get the urge to write as a form of release when I've got lots going on and things weigh heavy on my mind. In high school this was nearly every day...because, come on...being a teenager is the most dramatic and trying thing we'll ever experience, right? Or at least it felt like it at the time.
Now I still get the urge to write, but not nearly as often. I miss it during the long gaps where I feel my words will all come out wrong or have zero impact. Until I remember who I'm writing for, and sometimes the answer is: myself. Sometimes we have to release for ourselves and if the words fall on deaf ears, that's ok.
((Repeat to self: that's ok.))
I find myself caught up in what I can only chalk up to a mid-life crisis of sorts. Just as I was finding my groove as a working mom, things took a turn. This came in the midst of me questioning myself as a working mom to begin with, which doesn't help things. I went into work last week and was given somewhat of a promotion...a stepping stone to move up in my current position. Excitement was short lived, as the very next day we got the news that some saw coming, but nobody wanted to believe.
Our jobs will be extinguished as of 9/30. Less than two months...the contract will be pulled earlier than it's renewal date. I will be out of a job. Way to knock the wind out of my sails!
Since getting the news, you can imagine that the morale at work has shifted drastically. We are all in the same boat of trying to figure things out and asking ourselves, "What's next?" The company has offered to send in a team of recruiters to filter us out to other projects, but I'm not sure that's the direction I want to go. Not to mention, I don't think I even can since most of the other projects are day shift. This would be more than ideal if Will didn't work early shifts...but I refuse to get childcare just so I can go to work. It doesn't make sense financially or emotionally for me.
So, here I am. Reflecting. Praying. Searching.
I'm a firm believer that the Universe and God will provide and lead me in the direction that I need to be. The whole mantra of "everything happens for a reason" has always sat true with me. I am my happiest when I follow the Laws of Attraction and just simply let go.
That being said, it hasn't been EASY to let go. I find myself reflecting and getting scared because I don't know where my passion is. I don't know what I want from here. I'm not one of those people who has a hobby or a talent that I can turn into something more. When I voiced some of these concerns recently, I had many people that I respect give me bitty chunks of wisdom in response.
I think going back through your life and your Facebook page, it's pretty obvious what makes you come alive is your babies. You are a REALLY good mom. Everything else is just extra for you, and you'll find the right spot that makes life even sweeter. I know you will because you have a good heart and you're not afraid to try new things. You're very brave!
You are a brave person! Brave people make choices out of hope and not fear. Stay open to the universe and great things are headed your way!
And the first thing I thought was, "Me? Brave?" and laughed a little at the sheer thought of it all. But then it hit me. If these people that I admire and respect think I'm brave, what if maybe I'm capable of so much more than I give myself credit for? What if being a SAHM/WAHM truly IS my calling and passion? Don't I owe it to myself (and those I love...and really those who also believe in me when I don't believe in myself) to explore that?
So I'm exploring. I'm opening my heart and trying to let my mind go a bit. I've been focusing much too hard on what I need to be doing at this exact point in my life that maybe I'm forcing it. I don't fully know where that will take me at this moment, but I do know there will be changes ahead. I know that my heart breaks each time Jack or Alice cry because I have to leave for work. As much as I love the independence and value that being a working WOMAN has given me over the past few months, nothing compares to the value that being home with my family gives me. It truly fills my love bank.
Having seen it from both sides of the stay-at-home vs. working mom coin...I know that I am personally better suited for one much more than the other. And it is my mission to make that one of my values once more.